Using drugs affects who we are, how we interact with coworkers, friends, and family, and if left unchecked, can destroy the user both physically and financially.
Moreover, if they know a drug test is coming up, people resort to some pretty crazy schemes to “pass” it.
It’s a smoke screen
Employees and job applicants have tried for years to beat drug tests by obtaining a false negative result. Because who in their right mind would actually abstain long enough to pass a drug test naturally? We all know that masking any drugs in the system is the ultimate goal here, right?
At least, that appears to be the logic of a drug user.
There are three major drug tests that employers use for their drug-free or zero-tolerance protocols.
- Hair follicle
- Mouth swab
Do you want to know their methods to the madness for “passing” the test?
Just go with the flow
The urine test is the most widely used drug test. It has been since drug testing began back in the 1970s. Employees think they have a variety of ways to “get over” on their employers with a false negative result.
Flush your system
Drink lots and lots of water right up to test time, and you’ll pass. This may be a standard plan of attack, but it doesn’t work.
The best case scenario here is that the test comes back inconclusive. Inconclusive might sound good to the user. They assume the employer will reschedule the test.
However, most employers have their heads in the drug testing game, too. Drug policies already in place stating that a second test won’t get scheduled if there is an inconclusive result could ruin that plan.
There are several so-called tried and true methods to detox your system. They are said to rid the body of the metabolites that will show up on a drug test.
Goldenseal root has long been said to mask drugs in the system. You may be as surprised as I was to learn this myth’s origin. It was named as the herb used to mask strychnine in a murder victim’s system in a sci-fi novel by John Uri Lloyd. This novel got published around 1900!
The name of the novel is Stringtown on the Pike. It’s still on the market, but GoldenSeal shouldn’t be if the intended use is beating a drug test.
Niacin breaks down fatty substances in our blood. That coupled with the fact that THC is stored in the fat cells has given way to the myth that niacin will work on the fat cells and remove the metabolites. That is not true. Moreover, it could be a fatal fallacy because ingesting too much niacin will kill a person.
How about that for a dose of irony?
Vinegar and cranberry juice are also said to rid the urine of metabolites. Again, this is not true. However, it does mess with the pH balance and will alert the lab techs that something is up.
Oh, and just a little FYI here, drinking vinegar can cause explosive diarrhea.
This could get a bit hairy
The hair follicle test is becoming more popular. The DOT plans to begin using this testing method for all regulated drug testing as soon as the new policy has made its way through the chain of command.
Is there a way to produce a false negative on these drug tests? There are those who say yes.
The long and short of it
Some think the easy fix would be to shave your head or go with a super short cut. Not so, if someone’s hair is too short, or bald, body hair can be used. They only need about an inch and a half to perform the drug test.
Moreover, if a person shows up for a hair test with no hair anywhere…
Well, let’s just say it might look a tiny bit suspicious.
Detox shampoos say they remove the metabolites in the hair. Not true. The metabolites are in the hair shaft. No amount of scrubbing is going to change that fact.
The Macujo method also involves soaking the hair with products found around the house. You start with warm water, add some Heinz (they specified Heinz) vinegar and massage down to the scalp. The next step is to add some Clear and Clean acne cream and massage that stuff into the scalp, too. Pop on a shower cap and let it all simmer under there for about half an hour. Wash your hair with a detox shampoo, rinse, find some Tide laundry detergent, wash your hair with that also, and voila!
Bring on the test.
I don’t see how all that stuff could have any effect, but I hope getting vinegar into your system by way of the pores in your skin won’t work the same as drinking the stuff. Blech.
There is another home remedy method called the Jerry G. Named after the inventor, of course. This method claims to reinvent your hair thoroughly. After reading up on the technique, I think I see why he anonymously went by G.
It involves bleaching your hair and then dying it with an ammonia-based permanent hair dye. After which, wash the hair with detox shampoo. Avoid blow dryers at all costs, because your hair “won’t be able to handle it right now.”
In ten days, repeat the entire process. On test day, wash your hair with a baking soda paste, wash it out with a detox shampoo, and air dry.
After all that, I’d think a person would be lucky not to show up for the drug test with a hair sample in hand.
People swear by brushing your teeth, tongue, and cheeks vigorously just a few minutes before the test. However, your saliva is still in your mouth, so…
Then, there’s the eat the fattiest foods you can find myth. Since THC is drawn to fat cells, it will also bond with the fatty foods and hide in your stomach while you soak a swab with saliva.
Also, people gargle and swish with multiple things including water, mouthwash, and even bleach.
We need to get the word out on that one.
I’m reasonably sure ingesting bleach can get you out of the test, but admitted to the hospital!
Mouth swab drug testing has become very advanced, making cheating this method impossible.
Just say no
Ultimately, the best way to pass a drug test is not to do drugs. Shocking, right?
We must continue to educate people about the dangers of drugs. Some companies are moving away from their zero-tolerance policy and are giving employees a second chance.
That is something to consider. Employees that test positive for a drug test, even ones that have tried one of the crazy ideas above in an attempt to fool their employers, could take that second chance and soar.